Steak and Potatoes (uh, minus the potatoes)

Two weeks ago, I traipsed off to see an acupuncturist that a friend had suggested. Was I in bad health? No, but between you and me — I’d always wanted to try it. My doc is known as an energy healer … or spiritualist … or guru … or swami … or something. That would explain why he is not covered under PForm’s HMO.

Now I typically have an open mind about things … and I’ll try anything once. Heck, that’s how I fell in to advertising! My motto: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. This does not apply to Brussels sprouts, however … which I have never tried because they resemble green turds.

So I’m sitting in his office when – as God as my witness – he starts waving his hand over me with this magic wand-thingy. I was intrigued. I was perplexed. And I was starving and wondering when he’d finish up.

He informed me that I had far too much wine to drink the night before. True, but how did he know that? Was he psychic? No – my liver was “sending off bad energy”, according to him. He also informed me I had a fracture in my ankle (which I failed to mention on my 36-page questionnaire because said fracture happened when I was eight years old). And he found great humor in the fact that I had recently injected multiple vials of Botox in my face. He (and the magic wand) knew that because my face was “toxic and devoid of energy”.

I was now shocked … amazed … and stunned. And even though it wasn’t registering on my face (thank you, Botox!), the doc immediately knew I was impressed.

After quickly deducing I had a crappy diet, he thoroughly chastised me. And immediately put me on something called the “Candida” diet. Which means I can only eat things while listening to Tony Orlando and Dawn. Kidding. I can eat meat and vegetables and that’s it. Or as he put it … “steak and potatoes … minus the potatoes because they are too starchy.”

Two weeks later the weight is literally falling off me. I’ve never looked better. I’ve never felt better. And it’s all thanks to trying one new thing. Which just goes to show you … you can teach an old dog how to get thin quick. Nothing ventured, nothing gained … at least on the scale.