Last week I had the opportunity to visit the 2008 Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop in lovely Dayton, Ohio. Good thing … because my job mandates me to write things that are clever and catchy.

I drug my best friend Deirdre along with me because I felt she needed to up her clever and catchy quotient. (To which she responded, “I need to up MY funny factor? How about up YOURS?! And then we died laughing.)

Since I was surrounded all weekend by Pulitzer Prize winners and national columnists (uh, and Deirdre), I figured I’d learn a thing or two. Or three. See, there’s some unwritten Humor Writers’ Law that says funny happens in sets of three. And apparently, it’s mandatory.

Because the world needs to know exactly what I learned, I’ve whittled it down to the facts, just the facts and nothing but the facts. In triplicate.

1) His Royal Majesty, the High-Priest of Humor Garrison Keiler was a guest speaker at dinner one night. He could give a dissertation on Styrofoam and people would fall over laughing. Toward the end of his speech he said, “People who choose to simply write short stories and nothing else … why would anyone live like that?” And he was absolutely right. If people aren’t reading your work … who cares? But if they aren’t reading your work because you’re stuck in a rut … you’re doomed!

2) There is a science behind humor. I’m not kidding. There’s a ratio of jokes to words.
Comedy can be precisely measured. I wish I had been paying more attention here … I was too busy flirting with USA Today’s Craig Wilson to get the skinny on funny. But apparently, I need to throw out any words ending in “ly”. Consequently, I’m royally screwed. Seriously. Oh, and always replace two syllable words with one.

3) Draft down and then draft up. During the first draft … just get it DOWN! Even if there is a plague of locusts, write until you can’t write another word. Pestilence be damned. Then on the second draft … fix it UP! Why? Because writer’s block doesn’t really exist … it’s only information block. Or low blood sugar. (Try telling THAT to my editor. To say he has the attention span of a gnat is being … wait, do you want to go ride bikes?)

Overall, the workshop was both interesting and unsettling. I found I can’t be funny on demand. It’s a craft I’ll have to continue to hone. But it’s nice to know PlattForm takes pride in my craft! Not every company will give you the chance to throw a rubber chicken at a wall to see if it sticks.