For the first time in five years, I called in sick yesterday. The dreaded flu had run me down like a Mac Truck. 24 hours ago, even the thought of moving seemed like a challenge. But I managed to drag myself to work today … martyr that I am. Let’s see if I can put a positive spin on any of this …

Well, several people have noticed I’ve lost weight. How could they not? I haven’t eaten in five days. I figure I’m only one bout of salmonella away from my goal weight. On another up note, I’m currently hopped up on so much doctor-prescribed cough syrup that my co-workers have actually gotten better looking.

Hmmm … are there any other silver linings about the flu? Hmmm … let’s see. Well, between fitful bouts of napping yesterday, I was able to catch every single commercial I’d ever produced in the Kansas City market. I had no idea Jerry Springer aired three times a day here in KC. I thought I was delusional.

My officemate Tiffany has taken pity on me. She bought me a giant box of Kleenex and said, “Get away from me, sicko!” It’s the thought that counts.

My boss – who has zilcho bedside manner – thought I was pulling his leg. He wanted to know if I was bleeding out of both eyes and ears yet. I gently reminded him it was the flu, and not Ebola. Color him unimpressed.

I had nine voicemail messages on my work phone yesterday. I don’t think I get nine voicemail messages in a month. Am I on some sort of prayer chain list and not know it? Maybe they heard I died. Lord knows I felt close to it.

And bonus … I’m now so tight with the nurse at my doctor’s office I now call her by her first initial, “J”. “J, it’s M. I need the Z-Pak stat so I don’t get the hep.” She knows exactly what I’m talking about.

All this typing has made me feel faint. I’m gonna sign off lest I should get the vapors – which, as we all know, is INFINITELY worse than the flu … according to my mom.