Video Production

Last week I had the opportunity to visit the 2008 Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop in lovely Dayton, Ohio. Good thing … because my job mandates me to write things that are clever and catchy.

I drug my best friend Deirdre along with me because I felt she needed to up her clever and catchy quotient. (To which she responded, “I need to up MY funny factor? How about up YOURS?! And then we died laughing.)

Since I was surrounded all weekend by Pulitzer Prize winners and national columnists (uh, and Deirdre), I figured I’d learn a thing or two. Or three. See, there’s some unwritten Humor Writers’ Law that says funny happens in sets of three. And apparently, it’s mandatory.

Because the world needs to know exactly what I learned, I’ve whittled it down to the facts, just the facts and nothing but the facts. In triplicate.

1) His Royal Majesty, the High-Priest of Humor Garrison Keiler was a guest speaker at dinner one night. He could give a dissertation on Styrofoam and people would fall over laughing. Toward the end of his speech he said, “People who choose to simply write short stories and nothing else … why would anyone live like that?” And he was absolutely right. If people aren’t reading your work … who cares? But if they aren’t reading your work because you’re stuck in a rut … you’re doomed!

2) There is a science behind humor. I’m not kidding. There’s a ratio of jokes to words.
Comedy can be precisely measured. I wish I had been paying more attention here … I was too busy flirting with USA Today’s Craig Wilson to get the skinny on funny. But apparently, I need to throw out any words ending in “ly”. Consequently, I’m royally screwed. Seriously. Oh, and always replace two syllable words with one.

3) Draft down and then draft up. During the first draft … just get it DOWN! Even if there is a plague of locusts, write until you can’t write another word. Pestilence be damned. Then on the second draft … fix it UP! Why? Because writer’s block doesn’t really exist … it’s only information block. Or low blood sugar. (Try telling THAT to my editor. To say he has the attention span of a gnat is being … wait, do you want to go ride bikes?)

Overall, the workshop was both interesting and unsettling. I found I can’t be funny on demand. It’s a craft I’ll have to continue to hone. But it’s nice to know PlattForm takes pride in my craft! Not every company will give you the chance to throw a rubber chicken at a wall to see if it sticks.

At PlattForm, a typical week for me is anything but. If I were hard-pressed to give someone a straight answer about what my job entails, they’d think I was losing my ever-loving mind.

Monday: Casting Agent
I spent most of Monday arranging mass auditions for up-and-coming new talent. In the industry, it’s called a Cattle Call. Basically, you herd a bunch of pretty people in to a building and shock ‘em with a cattle prod until they can act for you. And while some are wildly attractive, they usually can’t speak to save their life. Pretty, yes. Intelligible, no.

Tuesday: Julie, Your Cruise Director
Looks like I’m going to be on the road a majority of March and April. Hello, DC! Hello, NY! Hello, uh, Dayton! Traveling is always fun … but not when you have to coordinate schedules with your crew. Who’s responsible for packing the lighting equipment? Did I book a rental car? Crap … there had better be two beds in this hotel room. Which one of you is allergic to shellfish? Ah yes, it’s like taking your dysfunctional family on the road.

Wednesday: Musical Director
“The music you chose sounds too Italian-y … and I need it more France-y or German-y or Europe-y”, said a client. Thus, I spent a majority of my day going back and forth about what type of music to add to a new culinary campaign. I finally settled on a tune called “French Kiss” until someone decided it sounded like bad porn music and made me change it. Sacré Bleu!

Thursday: Contract Negotiator
I’ve come down with a horrendous case of pink eye … which, of course, is the first stage before the dreaded Red Eye. Both of which are horribly contagious. So off I traipse to the doctor who dutifully prescribes antibiotic eye drops. He suggests I work from home. I told him I can’t because I have my annual salary review with the Chief Financial Officer. When offered my raise, I immediately started tearing up – but not because of the offer, but because conjunctivitis turns my eyeball in to a sieve.

Friday: Publishing Magnate
Stop the presses! Literally! One of the Board Members wants to become a contributing columnist for a national magazine. How or why is completely irrelevant at this point. Just get her in print FAST! I immediately start sweet-talking every editor I know. And I’m reduced to using my oh-so fakey phone voice. You know, the voice you use when you have to get your way. If you heard me on the phone, you’d literally swoon. If you saw me in person, you’d wonder why the hell I’m wearing an eye patch.

So there you go. Oh and I wrote, produced and directed a few commercials in my downtime … which is my real job here at PlattForm. As you can tell, I have to wear a lot of hats. We all do. It’s the nature of the beast in the advertising industry. And you can bet after work on Friday, I’ll gladly be playing bartender the rest of the weekend.

If you’re somewhere between 13-19 (or wish you were), you’re probably familiar with Disney pop tarts Aly & AJ and/or Disney actress Brenda Song. All three are on a trajectory path to having their shooting star go Supernova … thanks to unrelenting promotion by the Mouse House.

I recently had the privilege (opportunity? right? chance?) to interview these young ladies for one of our sister publications. I asked them about life, love, and the pursuit of higher education. Turns out all three take their studies very seriously … and they’re looking forward to college … uh, sooner than later. Here are some excerpts from their recent interviews.

Song, who turns 20 soon, has been working so much she’s practically had to give up taking online college courses. In March, she’ll star in a new movie with Raven Symone aptly titled “College Road Trip”. Fortunately, this self-proclaimed geek has done her homework (so to speak) and knows what her next plan of attack will be.

Me: “So, community college, 4-year university, career college? It really doesn’t matter where you go, right?”

B Song: “Exactly. It doesn’t matter if I go to Harvard or if I go to a local community college. It’s still an education and it’s working towards something … that’s all that matters! Really, make a choice you want to make and study what you want to study. You should have fun with the things you are going to learn and go for it — whatever it is. Whether you want to go to a career college or Harvard University … just have fun with it.”

Song continues, “I really hope kids know that education is the most important thing you can do for your life! If you have a good education — you can do anything! I really believe in that.”

Sisters Aly & AJ, meanwhile, are currently touring the country with pop phenomenon and teenybop behemoth Hannah Montana. They’ve got the looks AND the brains AND the gorgeous harmonies.

Me: “What is it like for you two to juggle pop-stardom and, uh, school-dom?”

Aly: “AJ and I definitely want to be able to finish our schooling and get our education. We definitely put that on the top of our list and we do music at the same time. We actually graduated early. I graduated when I was seventeen and AJ graduated this last year in 2007 actually. So we are definitely a little bit ahead of schedule! We wanted to get through our schooling and have a little less pressure when we are on the road. But getting a good education is something that we’re both passionate about.”

All three of these girls seem to have a good head on their shoulder. And all seem genuinely interested when hard-pressed about the importance of a college education. But, more importantly, all three are good role models for other high-school girls who are poised to set the world on fire. Read more of Brenda Song’s interview in the spring edition of Key Magazine coming out in March. And find out about Aly & AJ’s success when we post their interview later this summer.

Last year when my department scored their first Emmy nomination, people practically did back flips down the hallway for us. And while no one actually hoisted me upon their shoulders … it sure felt like they did.

What a difference a year makes.

Two weeks ago, my team was nominated for not one, but TWO (count ‘em!) Emmys! Since we failed to bring home the gold last year, my co-workers seemed rather nonchalant about the whole thing.

Now I know what Susan Lucci feels like. Minus the big hair. It took her 18 tries before she finally won the winged wonder.

Despite being nominated a whopping 18 times, Angela Lansbury has never won a freakin’ Emmy. Whoever said it’s an honor just to be nominated needs to talk to Ms. Murder She Wrote because, frankly, she’s pissed. Cloris Leachman, Mary Tyler Moore and Tracey Ullman each have 7 Emmy wins … you’d think they could share.

This year I’m determined to win. I want it. My editor wants it. My parents have already written my stupid acceptance speech … which solely thanks them and only them. Honestly, they don’t even know what an Emmy is … they just know it’s a big deal. Plus, they have no idea what I do … they still want me to be a veterinarian because I mentioned interest it once when I was nine years old.

Last year, I thought we were a lock. The wine on the table was from Olathe, Colorado. Our company resides in Olathe, Kansas. What ARE the chances? Good omen. The trophies are currently made by a private company with a manufacturing site at the maximum security prison in El Dorado, Kansas … practically across the street, er, turnpike. Another good sign. And throughout the course of the evening, everyone seated at our table had won an Emmy in their respective category. Hello? We were a shoo-in!

And then we lost to a piece on drunk driving. I was devastated.

So, I did what any sore Emmy loser would do … I immediately started drinking. Fortunately, I wasn’t driving … so there! How ironic would THAT have been?

So keep your fingers crossed for us on Saturday, October 20th (in St. Louis) and Saturday, October 27th (in Denver). If we don’t win this year, I’ll never hear the end of it. And if we do win, trust me, you’ll never hear the end of it!

PlattForm-produced commercials blanket more than 60% of the country. That’s not too shabby for a company that started a mere decade ago in the basement of owners Michael and Tamie Platt.

Since I travel a lot for my job, nothing makes me happier than spotting one of PForm’s commercials playing on some random station in some random city … randomly. I still remember the first time I saw a commercial of mine flash across a TV screen. I was sitting in a busy diner in Pittsburgh and literally screamed, “GOOD GOD! I DID THAT!” to no one in particular. The construction worker beside me seemed rather nonplused about the whole thing and responded with a congenial, “YOUR MOM!”

I was walking on Cloud 9! It’s a wonder my head could even fit through the door on the way out of the diner. I was proud … I was ecstatic … I was nauseous from eating a chicken-fried steak sandwich.

Fame, however, has a downside. I became infamous for one of our spots that simply WOULD NOT DIE. Entitled “Tantrum,” it put me on the map … uh, AND on the floor. The premise involved me being gratuitously drug across a classroom in a cap and gown. From Baltimore to Butte to Boca Raton … it seemed this particular ad was doing gangbusters and it was inescapable … and after the 30,000th viewing … it was unwatchable.

My parents in Iowa saw it. My best friend near Miami saw it. My arch-nemesis in Los Angeles saw it and said I looked fat. It ended up on YouTube. Clients wanted sequels. On January 2nd, 2006, while on vacation in Orlando, I saw the spot air six times in under an hour. Granted, that hour was 2 am and it was during “Tyra,” but whatever.

And if I was sick of it … think what havoc it was wreaking in San Antonio. Fortunately, like any good star that burns brightly and suddenly implodes upon itself, “Tantrum” stopped pulling leads and was immediately shelved. Children danced. Angels wept. And, once again, all was right in the cosmos. If I never see an ad of mine on TV again, that’s fine. It’s someone else’s turn to go supernova!